i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
