she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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