I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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