i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
