I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I deserve this hangover.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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