They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
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