Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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