This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Randomize
