Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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