I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
