R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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