I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
do nipples grow back?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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