Well douche your snatch and let's go!
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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