do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I haven't been this sober since birth.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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