Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
