i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
