My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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