Cold hands, warm shart.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
