I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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