Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
