It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
