You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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