'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
