The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
