she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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