i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I am mentally ready for anal.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
