Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
