At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
