hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
