I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
