There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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