normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize