How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
