i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
All the doctor said was why
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize