also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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