there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
