meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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