a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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