If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Your cock deserves a montage
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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