i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
