New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
