Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Randomize
