You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
