nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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