my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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