dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
