is your mom at the bar?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
