i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
