I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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