Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
