i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
