Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize