Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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