and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
