I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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