You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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