I could make wine with my vomit
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
