I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
