I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize