was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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