Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
