if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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