I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
