careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I came so hard my ears popped.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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